Quite honestly, I find Conan the funnier guy. And Leno’s made already so why can’t he give Conan a decent break. Anyway, Jimmy Kimmel has the best potshots to Leno’s boring ass:

I guess underneath all that shiny veneer is the real ugly face of a cutthroat business. It’s just one of those things that remind you that corporate America still will rear its ugly head when it gets the chance.

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Anyway, somewhere along the many topics of conversation was one of us sharing a boy-hugs-girl moment with the following premises 1) girl likes boy and 2) boy just wants to be friends.

For some reason, my brain’s sign system seems to consist of pop culture references in the short span of . (Pretty f*cked up for a guy who’s working on critical discourse analysis for his thesis. No wonder I’m getting nowhere with it. Reading Gloria Arroyo, interpreting Gremlins. Sheesh!) Here’s how my brain pretty much worked that moment.

1. A movie quote that references hugs: Vince Vaughn’s character in Wedding Crashers circa 2005.

Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.

2. A cheesy song used as background music for boy-hugs-girl/boy-kisses-girl moment: Heroes by the Wallflowers. (Struggled to think of the exact movie this was used at that moment. Initially thought it was a 90s teen movie but Rish quashed that thought being the disciple of John Hughes and the “expert” on 90s teen movies. Turns out, it was in that ending to that enjoyably horrible football movie – The Replacements circa 2000 – where Keanu Reeve’s character was snogging Brooke Langton’s character. PS: Who’d have thought that the guy playing that pyschopath SWAT officer/linebacker would later on direct Iron Man?)

And we kissed, as though nothing could fall.

3. A reference to “the friend zone”: Friends by Bog circa 2003. (Sure the show Friends was the one that started the whole idea but Pinoy rock has its gems too. Hits home harder too.)

Ikaw, gusto mo lang ay “friends.” ‘Tang inang “friends.” Ayoko ng kaibigan…

And in my reverie, I missed out on the other details of the story.

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“Okay, I’ll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend’s wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury you defecate all over his yard. And you’re such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, “I’ll get you later,” but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend you’re this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I’m honest about it. I don’t buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn’t. He was a spoiled brat. And that’s why you like him so much. He’s you. God, you’re pretentious! And you delude yourself you’re some great writer even though you’re terrible. You know, I should’ve known Cheryl Teaks didn’t write me that note. She would’ve known there’s no “A” in the word, “definite.” And I think what I hate the most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should “legalize pot, man.” How big business is crushing the under class. How homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. I never see you down there. You want to help? Grab a ladle. And by the way, driving a Prius doesn’t make you Jesus Christ. Oh wait, you don’t believe in Jesus Christ or in any religion for that matter because religion is for idiots. Well who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice which isn’t nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How’s that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that. All of it. If you weren’t such a bore. That’s the worst of it, Brian. You’re just a big sad alcoholic bore. I’ll see you, Brian. Thanks for the f****** steak.”

-Glen Quagmire

Classic McFarlane.

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“Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.”

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But as far as the for-the-Bros articles are concerned, I think I’m a pretty good Bro. Some lapses here and there, but I do meet most of the conditions in general. I’m a pretty supportive, Bro. Too bad I think I’ll be a useless wingman.

Oh and here’s an amusing one:

It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoonage by arm wrestling* to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.

Hehehe… Reminds me of something from a little over a year ago. The image of two bros spooning will forever haunt me.

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Rant alert. You’ve been warned.

Sorry, friends who think that Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is the movie event of the year. Or if you’ve watched it and are raving about how mad the whole movie was. I can’t say I share your sentiments. I do understand why you’re all raving about it. I really do.

Watched the movie with the Dearest earlier today and as the day draws to an end, I think that it was nothing but a cost write-off amounting to Php 270 and two and a half hours of my precious time. Even the appearance of a scantily-clad Megan Fox spooning a big bike wasn’t enough to redeem the movie for me.

*Possible spoiler alert!*

And Michael Bay is all to blame. Too bad I just made him richer with my ticket. Sure you don’t watch Transformers for the story. Much like any other Michael Bay film (Armageddon, The Rock, Bad Boys 1 and 2, Pearl Harbor and the first Transformers), the story’s bound to go wrong somewhere.

Sure I liked Armageddon, The Rock, and Bad Boys all because of certain things that redeemed them for me – animal crackers, Sean Connery, and Joe Pantoliano, respectively. Otherwise, his movies are just a stream of car crashes, bombs going off, and other things going kaboom. I’m trying to remember how many city blocks got blown to hell in the Godfather movies and that worked.

Michael Bay is an explosion junkie. I seriously think that he needs to be check by a psychiatrist. Who knows? He might share the profile of those people who just love to watch the world burn.

I think the only reasons Pearl Harbor ran for an three hours are to tease the audience for a possible devil’s three-way involving Kate Beckinsale, Ben Affleck, and Josh Hartnet’s characters, maximize Alec Baldwin’s talent fee, and to have even more stuff crashing and blowing up.

The same goes for Transformers 2. Only this time, Michael Bay went totally berserk with his visual effects. The fast-paced action, explosions, and wild camera work almost triggered an epileptic episode. Transformers 2, my friends is nothing but a combination of elements from his other movies and rip-offs of Mel Gibson, Ridley Scott, and Steven Spielberg (and yes, Spielberg co-produced the damn thing).

Think Transformers with the crashing cars of Bad Boys 2, outer space shots of Armageddon, flying airplanes of Pearl Harbor, flares of The Rock, the archeological settings of Indiana Jones, and the hacked-off-body- parts (albeit mechanical) savagery of Braveheart and Gladiator.

The movie could’ve done without Bay’s overactive (and overrated) imagination. What’s up with Prime dying all over again? I motherf*ckin’ cried when the good ol’ Prime of the cartoons died in the movie. Trying to pull it off for this generation is a slight to our generation. Having Prime ultimately don additional body armor and tear all of the Decepticons apart was just overkill.

Yup. Michael Bay is nothing but a five year old gifted not with crayons to draw his pictures of red sports cars with flame decals and a rocket launcher on the hood but with a summer movie’s budget and a film army.

Anyway, I have to admit that I nitpicked his movie. If only I had watched it during a “I am such a child” moment, then maybe I would’ve loved it. No little boy would get pissed off with giant robots with rockets and lasers. Only some bitter old bastard like me.

Yup. It seems like I’ve lost my inner child.

***

Oh and though I don’t want to overread his movie, I somehow appreciate the idea of “No matter how advanced Cybertronians are, they are still as savage and primal as humans.” Did Bay even think of that while filming? Or am I throwing him a metaphorical bone here?

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I have to admit that I think that growing up watching Batibot and Sesame Street had it better than the kids who had to endure Teletubbies. As far as I recall, much of my exposure to the English language was because of Sesame Street and Batibot exposed me to basic literacy using Filipino contexts.

Well, sure there’s also the disturbing aspect of television like getting exposed to sexuality after being exposed to Annie’s upskirt shots watching Shaider. But I’d rather have that than being molested by a gay uncle. And that’s nothing to all the other risque TV ads that we get to see today.

Psychologically, I think my agnosticism is partly due again to that Shaider episode that had a black Santa and an upside down cross. Very visual.

In recent years, TV isn’t without good educational TV but with cable (in addition to satellite TV and the Internet) the amount of audio-visual trash has multiplied as well. I can only imagine growing up to Cow and Chicken instead of Pong and Kiko.

Now let’s take a look at the latest issue regarding TV and learning. People want the LBC commercial (see below) pulled off the air.

Why do people find this disturbing? Check out Inquirer.net’s article on the matter.

Here we are again with the TV police. Part of me says that there really is something wrong with that commercial. I think my beef with this matter remains on the selection of the ad in question. Why that particular commercial? Sure, the depiction could have been better but if we’re all concerned about kids’ language competencies, why haven’t we banned I R Baboon for the unorthodox orthography and subject-verb agreement or all the other TV shows featuring non-standard language. Ban Manny Pacquiao for speaking English.

Why not just slap on some captions on these commercials together with a Parental Guidance label? In my opinion, it’s a great opportunity to expose children to the idea of wit and pun (and even advertising spin and deceit) rather than simply placing our kids in a bubble by exterminating that ad from the airwaves. Or is it because adults wouldn’t be bothered by this added chore of explaining that LBC and whoever created that commercial imposed upon us? To dismiss that children are not capable of critical thinking is just naive.

Advertising, media, and capitalism are ugly ideological monsters indeed. But if we’d like to expose our children to only the “right” things then we might as well live in Big Brother’s domain. And by that, I refer to Orwell.

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You want to know the first rule you’d know if you’d ever spent a day in your life? You never open your mouth until you know what the shot is. You fucking child.

-Ricky Roma, Glengarry Glen Ross

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The whole span of watching the Watchmen movie, I was just waiting for Dr. Manhattan to scream that. I’ve read the comics before and I know that nowhere in all 12 volumes did Dr. Manhattan do that. But since he’s played by Billy Crudup and Billy Crudup played a guy who did that in Almost Famous, maybe it wasn’t too far-fetched to think so.

Anyway, watched the Watchmen movie and what can I say. I loved it.

Quite a lot of critics disliked it blaming the jumpy plot line and the unnecessary graphic rendering of Zack Snyder (there were still his token slo-mo bits reminiscent of 300) but I guess you have to be a fan of the comic to like Watchmen in the first place.

For those not wanting any spoiler at all, then don’t proceed reading.

I have to applaud the writing and development of the movie’s plot line. I think there’s no better way to synchronize the plot of 12 different volumes with shifting POVs than what they did in the movie. Still, I understand why Alan Moore (Watchmen was by Moore, not Miller, all you pretentious pillocks!)

I’m sure fellow geeks would now have a man-crush/crush on Rorschach (but isn’t it pronounced “Raw-shock”) with such a bang-on bad-ass translation. The swirling ink blots on his mask lent so much to the character. If Snyder’s the one who thought that, then he really is a visual demi-god.

A few more two-liner assessments before I jump into another work-week:

• I love the soundtrack as well. It’s got Dylan, Simon and Garfunkel, Joplin, Hendrix and Cohen’s Hallejuah in a sex scene (finally, though I’m sure most would’ve preferred the more “orgasmic” Buckley version).
• **** you, MTRCB for making weird cuts on that sex scene!
• The “cameos” were superb as well especially Nixon and Kissinger. I wanted to scream “Bowie!” when his “cameo” in Ziggy Stardust persona appeared.
• Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s resemblance to Robert Downey Jr. is so eerie in the movie that I half-expected Rorschach to find an Iron Man armor in his closet.
• Watched it at Ultra 7 at Eastwood and I’m still wondering if the experience is worth the Php 351 admission.
• Dr. Manhattan has got to be gay not to get a blue radioactive hard-on with Silk Spectre II hanging around in tight latex.
• Another fictional evidence that husky men in glasses always get the hot chicks over them alpha male-types.

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Anyway, the music video’s available on YouTube which you can view here.

But come on. That Levi’s ad was the bomb.

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